If someone asked me, "Can you remember the last time you were truly happy?" I'd give them the most blank stare my motionless face can conjure and profess bluntly that a person born blind would have an easier time remembering the last time he saw the back of his head.
And so I'll ask myself the question that everyone asks themselves when they're going through a terrible experience: what did I do, exactly, to deserve this? All of this?
I added the "all of this" to emphasize that I'm going through a number of distressing problems all at once. And to make matters even more confusing than they already are, I can't recall the exact day that I hit my all time low. Indeed, I was aware of when each individual problem occured but I can't seem to remembered when they all bombarded me at the same, exact time. Look at this as a summarization of the disasters or, lightly put, problems that happened consecutively. Consecutively, meaning there was no room for me to take a breather.
In order of importance, not occurance.
1. The JCR
I've decided to dub her JCR because the new hit series "Gossip Girl" ingeniously uses single letters as names for significant people in the schools latest drama, which is relevent to JCR these days. I'll be generous and use her initials because she was a big part of my life, considering she is number 1, as I always said and as she always never believed.
I can easily describe JCR as my first love and the definite love of my life, but that would be an understatement. Understand, it took me to the end to finally realize who she really was. JCR can be best described as the insensitive, selfish girl that rid herself of any decency and rationalism after she broke up with me. Along with cleansing herself of any sensible traits, she loses all respect for me and decides to forget how to care for other people but herself.
Yes, you read correctly, JCR broke up with me. Her reasons, or should I say excuses, for breaking up with me was that she simply lost feelings for me and she wanted, no, needed to experience other relationships because she was just too damn young to dedicate herself to one person this soon. The irony in all of this is that I felt the exact same way two years ago which resulted to our first and only breakup. Being the idiot that I am, I went back to her heart-broken self with promises of rebuilding our relationship into something great. And great it was. Two years of great to be exact. Yes, I cared for her unconditionally, but I never intended on loving her until she professed her undeniable love, and dedication to the love, for me. Seeing her on bended knee, I make the bold decision of dedicating myself as well. This dedication I decided to act upon was extreme. I was at the point that I did everything, sacrificed anything, and basically gave up who I was to ensure her happiness. And at this same point, where you would think the love was at its highest perfection, she leaves me.
I believe it hurt a billion times more than it should have because I honestly didn't do anything wrong. Not to degrade myself even more, I did everything, and I mean Everything, she wanted. And at the same time I thought I was loving her now more than ever, she's realizing her love for me is fading. She really fooled me.
It would be both long and tedious to read if I explained the entire break up experience. Luckily, I have concluded to two factors from the break up that contribute to my all time low.
She recently declared that she would never, ever be able to go back to me and that every ounce of love she had for me is completely gone. I guess you can say I always felt that she would come back. I still feel like she'll come to the rescue and save me from this unbreakable sadness. Regardless, the seriousness and the absence of remorse in her voice took away almost all the hope I had in my heart.
Yes, I have almost completely accepted the fact that JCR will never come back. But what hurts even more is, perceived from her actions and reactions in numerous situations, that the two years I sacrificed for her and spent with her seems so insignificant to her. It always seems like our relationship didn't really leave a profound affect on her. Of course, I replay the two years in my head constantly, because I'm the one that's broken. But she always portrays the idea that the two years were worthless, and are easily forgotten and will never be mentioned, ever again.
And that idea makes me think that I'm worthless, easily forgotten, and will never be mentioned of, ever again.
2. Benchfam, THE Benchfam
It's agreed that the name isn't as mature or respected as it should be, but the name was merely a casual cover to the rare, yet significant unit underneath. What Benchfam was made of and that connection, that vibe that was within it was what I always felt fortunate for. The surprising equation of the different personalities and perspectives on life put together in one was confusing, but at the same time made perfect sense. And if the equation was utilized correctly, would be unstoppable. I always felt honored to be a part of such a great thing and to be, not friends, but family with every single person in it. The family I trusted tremendously, without hesitation. It is always a gamble when you decide to put all your trust in something, but I believed I was investing in something that I will always need throughout my life. Benchfam was the ultimate support system. It was always there when I needed it, with a variety of solutions and advice and shoulders I could lean and depend on. It was the support system that had an affect of naturally easing the pain, without effort.
An incident happened. An incident that dealt with the feeling of betrayal and, yet again, unimportance. It was as though, I didn't really matter much to Benchfam. And even as time passed, no one attempted to talk to me or become my friend again. I always thought I had some significance in Benchfam. But it is obvious, that they are more, much much more, significant to me than I ever was to all of them. The loss of yet another support system and something I loved was just too much. I still have friends beside me, I can't say that I'm alone. But losing that comfort, that belonging, that significance was something that I was feeding off of after JCR left me. And the most depressing part of this situation is that as much effort as Benchfam and I can put into solving the problem, it will never be the same. Yeah yeah, it can be different but still good but I don't think anyone knows how great and perfect it was. So to say it might not be the same, but it might get better is completely false.
There will be greater friends than Benchfam. I'll let you preach that much.
But there will never be a greater family than Benchfam. And that will ring in my head everyday.
I will list the rest of my problems because they are self explanitory and are able to sympathize and empathize with. The first too were far complex and needed explaination in order to understand the amount of loss I'm going through.
3. The loss of trust and abandonment from my Mother.
Not complete abandonment, but enough to say "I'll help you a little, financially, but to be honest I don't care that much about you and I'm trying to save your little brother from evil and dead end life your living."
4. Loss of job which connects to no income which connects to #5.
5. In deep debt.
6. Failing grades that will effect if I can receive the benefits I get.
Well, there you have it. My problems in a nut shell. I didn't get into the biggest problem though. The biggest problem would be Me. But you'll be able to read all about that one. You are now caught up with my life. Congradulations, you are now ready to witness, with minor ignorance, the pitiful life of Ly.
And as you read, be sure to jot down some notes. Include what not to do, how not to react, and the major symptoms of an incoming all time low experience. I'm being serious. It's for your own good.
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