-If the story goes on with the plot that I pray for, the war in Iraq would be over.
-As I predicted, all the fires in California will be washed away by ten days of rain. And during these ten days of rain, no one complains. Everyone simply grabs a cup of coffee and thanks god their house is still standing.
-The cure for AIDS will finally be discovered and the stereotype of gay males will be abolished, as well as the number one death of Africans.
-The entire world will finally be aware of global warming and, by working together, we are all able to stop it before it's too late.
-To my assumption, the government will finally give the remnants of Hurricane Katrina its much anticipated attention. Louisiana will be rebuilt, to its fullest, after the long wait.
-Poverty will not exist. There will be no need for food stamps. Everyone will have jobs and social security will be everlasting.
-The world will finally realize how ignorant it is and racism will have no meaning. Homosexuality will be a norm. Same sex marriges will be legal.
-As I suspected, an individual will be able to smoke weed in the streets, freely, thizz at parties if they insist, and do any drug as they please as long as they don't get addicted. Once addicted, they will face consequences. However, if it is only for recreational purposes, then by all means, do so.
-The drinking age in the US will finally be at the same par as the rest of the world.
-A girl of colored decent can dream to be the next president of the United States.
-There would be no borders. Anyone is welcome to dream in the United States. We wouldn't fear of overpopulation because the rest of the world will be able to represent the same dream that the United States upholds. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness will be law in every country, all around the world.
-Guns will have no purpose. Along with atomic bombs and weapons of mass destruction.
-The UN will meet every Wednesday, over lunch or golf or tea, to ensure prosperity throughout the world. The leaders of the world will all be cronies. There will never be war.
-Every lost child will, miraculously, find their mother. Penniesaver will be forced to fill in the missing child portion of their publication with more meaningless advertisements.
-Single mothers, and fathers, will have benefits.
-Mass mudering and genocide will be known as nothing but history. No one would dare attempt to wipe out an entire race or group of people, ever again, because the entire world population will realize that everyone is important and no one is worth killing.
-Individuality will be praised. Schools will teach their students that conformity is boring. Every student will be educated of, both, liberal and conservative ways. And with that said, will be able to determine their own morals and values, regardless of what their parents think.
-As I assumed, I will win a contest for one of my photos or one or my blog entries and the consulation prize will be $5,000. I will no longer be in debt.
-My mother will finally realize that there are other jobs in San Diego and, although they don't pay as much as her job in Texas, she will be content with her income because she'll be able to watch all of my brothers football games.
-I, somehow, create enough determination and ambition, which results to a high self-esteem, to pass all my classes at SDSU and am able to keep the benefits I need to continue my educational career there.
-Narcotics will have no appeal to me. In fact, I will be disgusted by any illegal substance. I will live life in blissful sobriety. I will not need to escape.
-My system will finally be fixed. My car will be flawless. My sub will work. I will be able to enjoy my thirst of amplified music yet again.
-My auntie will move back to the Philippines. She will no longer be able to corrupt my mothers mind. I will no longer have to defend myself on a daily basis.
-My dad will decide to be a bigger part of my life, as well as my brothers. He will not make decisions based on his wife's opinion. My mother and father will get along. In fact, they'll be bestfriends.
-I will have no reason to lie to anyone I care about.
-My grandma will take medication that will give her longevity. I will die before her. This medication will not only ensure my grandma's never ending life, but also the never ending adhesive that will keep my family together.
As I presumed, Benchfam will, once again be Benchfam. We will express our stupidity, immaturity, and ignorance to eachother. We will forgive and forget. We will enjoy our annual Christmas party until our grandchildren have grandchildren. The next thing we will formally dress up for is eachothers' weddings, and we will thank God there's no dance to learn because God knows how hard Felisha's debut was. We will live the dream of having a bouttique, coffeeshop, underground apparel store, hospital, dental office, and hookah bar all in one row. We will live in eachothers success. We will watch as our kids grow up together and we will know what they're up to when they are planning a DU.
And if all my predictions are true, JCR will come back to me. It will take time, mind you. But after many unsuccessful trials of short relationships, she will have an epiphany. It will be years from now. She will be packing up her belongings to move out of her ex-girlfriends apartment of a year. She will discover a crumpled page from the "Love is.." book tucked in between an old shirt. She will read it and become nostalogic and remember that perfect night at Disneyland where we gazed at eachother because we were so in love, as the fake snow was falling all around us. She will suddenly endure the same exact feeling when she saw me standing with the dozen of heart balloons and a reason of why I love her attached to each one. She will, surprisingly, miss the endless days of eachother, living day to day as if we were married. She will remember the promises we kept and our aspirations of one day living in San Fransisco, together. She will remember the significance of "Coming Home" by John Legend, "Love me Tender" sung by Norah Jones, and "Too Good to Be" by NFG. Her heart will ache because she will reminisce the feeling of being truly loved and will attempt to replay an "i love you" in her head. She will regret these past years of not living life with love, real love, in it.
And if my assumptions are correct, she will leave that apartment immediately after. She will think hard as to where I would be at that time of the day. She will quickly remember that I like to enjoy an iced coffee as I smoke at a certain Starbucks in the area. She will drive to every Starbucks until she finally ends up at the Starbucks across Chevron. She will see me, sitting there smoking, as she suspected, and will all of a sudden become nervous. This nervousness comes from losing contact with eachother and not communicating for two years now. She will see me stare her way. We make eye contact, and she will know I recognize her. We will both feel that, familiar, warm sensation we haven't felt for so long. We will both, at that same exact moment, actually feel, because we haven't felt, actually felt, in so long. She will be apprehensive to approach me, but knowing myself, I will start walking towards her, not because I don't have that apprehension, but because her presence is unbelievable. Her knees will lock and her heart will skip beats as she watches me make my way towards her. We are finally two feet away from eachother, the closest we've ever been in years. She will look at me and, although I look different, she will remember the eyes she used to stare into daily. Her feet will go numb and she will look away, in hopes of being able to think of something to say. She will gain her composure and look back at me, seeing me with my arms wide open. We both feel tears trickling down our cheeks. She will fall into my embrace, and realize that this is where she belongs. We stand there, in eachothers arms, as cars pass and customers enter and exit Starbucks. But we see nothing because our eyes are closed, and our hug is naturally tight, and we allow our memories and the longing in our hearts to fall back into place. She will finally look up at me and say she is so sorry. She will apologize for maiming my heart and declaring, years ago, that our love will never be rekindled. She will explain that, although I have been hurting throughout these years, she has experienced worse. She has been loving with her eyes closed. And, throughout the years, even though she didn't feel it, her heart was slowly wilting, due to the lack of feeling love. And she will admit that, today, she realized that her heart was dead. And it was all her fault, and how could i ever--
And if all my guessing is correct, I will stop her, mid-sentence. I will finally express how much I missed her. I will insist that she stop apologizing because all that mattered is that she is here now. All that mattered is that she finally realized, that indeed, our love will never be rekindled. It will never be rekindled because it never died. I will reassure her that I have always been waiting for her to come back, that I knew she was going to, one day. I will tell her, regardless of how foreign it sounds and regardless of long its been since I've actually said it to her face, that I love her and that I will always love her, and that my love for her hasn't gone anywhere. I will explain to her that my love for her has just been waiting. Waiting for her love to be ready. I will tell her again that "I love you, Jasmine Reyes" because after saying it every night for two years before I go to sleep, it feels good to know she can hear me this time. And she will pull me in, close, and finally confess, after being in denial for so long, that she has always loved me too.
And with all this predicting and assuming and guessing, we will live our dream. We will continue where we left off, as if we were never apart. We will live and grow and learn together, loving eachother. We will finally live life, with love, real love, in it. I will finally be happy. I will finally be reunited with the love of my life, JCR. She will never leave me again. We will love eachother the right way, with no doubts or anything in the way. We will both pass away, knowing love, living with love, and experiencing every aspect of love. And even then, when we are done living our long lives of loving eachother, I will love JCR. Because I will always love JCR.
But, keep in mind, this will all be valid once the war in Iraq is over. Oh, and don't forget the cure of AIDS and end of poverty.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
007. Say it outloud, and you'll feel it.
JCR,
I can't handle this situation, anymore. I'm tired of sharing you. Let's just live the lives we said we were going to live. I don't believe a word you say. I know you love me. I know it. I wouldn't be this crazy if it wasn't real. What we had was real. It was love. And love doesn't go away, baby. It's always there. It will always be there. Why do you have to look for something else? I'm right here. I'm devoted to you, Jasmine. No one else. I don't want anyone else. I just want you. There's nothing else out there. We got something great, baby. Something that people look for all their lives. So what's there to look for if you already have it right in front of you? You have me. You've always had me. I'm better now. I've changed. I'm not the same. I'll make everyday feel like its the best day of your life. I won't get mad over meaningless shit. I won't. I promise. Trust me, Jasmine, when I say I live to love you. It is, by far, the only thing I'm good at. The only thing I know how to do perfectly. I can love you, Jasmine. No one else can love you. They can like you alot. They can make you happy for a period of time. But they can't love you. No one can love you like how I can love you. No one can love you like how I love you. It's never going to stop. I told myself a long time ago that it's only you. That all the things I sacrifice are worth it. Your worth it. You're worth everything. I'd pay, I'd give up, I'd sacrifice anything and everything if we could just go back five months ago. I know you more than anyone, Jasmine. More than anyone you met in the past month. I know who you are. I know who you can be. It was just us for two years. Just us two, together, for two years. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. I'm sorry for everything or anything I've done. I'm sorry im sorry im sorry. Just take me back, please. I don't need anything else, just you. I can live life with nothing if all I had was you. I don't need any drug. I don't need anything that's worth money. I just need you. Just you. That's all I want. I'm tired of living my life without you. I'm tired. I miss you. So much. I end up thinking about you at one point, everyday. Stop all this. It's pointless. We just need to be together. You think you're happy. You think this is what you want. But there's so much more, baby. I can give you so much more. I miss my bestfriend. I miss my baby. I miss my Jasmine. Mine. Jasmine, you're mine. You promised me. You promised me so much. And you never break your promises. I know you don't. You need me, you know you need me. You need love. You miss love. I am your love. I'm yours. There is no one else out there, baby. They're just going to come and go into your life. But as much as you try to shut me out, Jasmine, I'm still going to be here. I'm always going to be here. It doesn't matter what you do to me. You can do the most meanest thing to be. You can be the most biggest bitch ever towards me. But I'm still going to love you. Love doesn't fade. Love is always there. You just have to give it some attention. Don't deny what's there. Don't deny what's true. Just look at me in the eyes. Look at me and say you love me. Really say you love me. And tell me you don't feel anything. Tell me you don't remember what we had. Tell me you can't feel those aimless drives in my car when you'd sing to me even if you don't think you can sing good. Tell me you don't remember that basketball season where you can just feel that vibe we had with eachother. Tell me you can't feel those nights where we'd just look at eachother, knowing we were made for eachother. Tell me you can't remember all our songs that we never said was our song but we just knew because of what was happening. Tell me you don't miss sitting in that cul de sac just talking about life because we could talk about anything with eachother. Tell me you don't remember all the surprises we'd give to eachother. Tell me you can't recall all those times where we'd lay there and talk about our lives. Our lives we were going to make with eachother. We don't even have to think about the future, baby. Just now. Just come back to me, now, baby.
Just love me now.
I can't handle this situation, anymore. I'm tired of sharing you. Let's just live the lives we said we were going to live. I don't believe a word you say. I know you love me. I know it. I wouldn't be this crazy if it wasn't real. What we had was real. It was love. And love doesn't go away, baby. It's always there. It will always be there. Why do you have to look for something else? I'm right here. I'm devoted to you, Jasmine. No one else. I don't want anyone else. I just want you. There's nothing else out there. We got something great, baby. Something that people look for all their lives. So what's there to look for if you already have it right in front of you? You have me. You've always had me. I'm better now. I've changed. I'm not the same. I'll make everyday feel like its the best day of your life. I won't get mad over meaningless shit. I won't. I promise. Trust me, Jasmine, when I say I live to love you. It is, by far, the only thing I'm good at. The only thing I know how to do perfectly. I can love you, Jasmine. No one else can love you. They can like you alot. They can make you happy for a period of time. But they can't love you. No one can love you like how I can love you. No one can love you like how I love you. It's never going to stop. I told myself a long time ago that it's only you. That all the things I sacrifice are worth it. Your worth it. You're worth everything. I'd pay, I'd give up, I'd sacrifice anything and everything if we could just go back five months ago. I know you more than anyone, Jasmine. More than anyone you met in the past month. I know who you are. I know who you can be. It was just us for two years. Just us two, together, for two years. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. I'm sorry for everything or anything I've done. I'm sorry im sorry im sorry. Just take me back, please. I don't need anything else, just you. I can live life with nothing if all I had was you. I don't need any drug. I don't need anything that's worth money. I just need you. Just you. That's all I want. I'm tired of living my life without you. I'm tired. I miss you. So much. I end up thinking about you at one point, everyday. Stop all this. It's pointless. We just need to be together. You think you're happy. You think this is what you want. But there's so much more, baby. I can give you so much more. I miss my bestfriend. I miss my baby. I miss my Jasmine. Mine. Jasmine, you're mine. You promised me. You promised me so much. And you never break your promises. I know you don't. You need me, you know you need me. You need love. You miss love. I am your love. I'm yours. There is no one else out there, baby. They're just going to come and go into your life. But as much as you try to shut me out, Jasmine, I'm still going to be here. I'm always going to be here. It doesn't matter what you do to me. You can do the most meanest thing to be. You can be the most biggest bitch ever towards me. But I'm still going to love you. Love doesn't fade. Love is always there. You just have to give it some attention. Don't deny what's there. Don't deny what's true. Just look at me in the eyes. Look at me and say you love me. Really say you love me. And tell me you don't feel anything. Tell me you don't remember what we had. Tell me you can't feel those aimless drives in my car when you'd sing to me even if you don't think you can sing good. Tell me you don't remember that basketball season where you can just feel that vibe we had with eachother. Tell me you can't feel those nights where we'd just look at eachother, knowing we were made for eachother. Tell me you can't remember all our songs that we never said was our song but we just knew because of what was happening. Tell me you don't miss sitting in that cul de sac just talking about life because we could talk about anything with eachother. Tell me you don't remember all the surprises we'd give to eachother. Tell me you can't recall all those times where we'd lay there and talk about our lives. Our lives we were going to make with eachother. We don't even have to think about the future, baby. Just now. Just come back to me, now, baby.
Just love me now.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
006. a taste of my reality
Today is Wednesday. I never really liked Wednesday's, and I can't recall a significant day in my life that fell on a Wednesday. The day Wednesday lies right, smack dab in the middle of the week. Lacking the excitement from the weekend and the week to come Monday and Tuesday seem to have, the impatience for tomorrow Thursday is known for, the enjoyment Friday and Saturday are relied on, and the day of blissful rest Sunday can account for. Yes, Wednesday is the worst day of the week. It's good for nothing. It has no importance. Just another day we have to deal with. Funny, me and Wednesday have a lot in common.
But today, on this particular Wednesday, I'll contemplate all the things that are ahead of me during this somewhat eventful week. Unlike other people, I can't describe my week as eventful anymore, not as often as I used to. So with this unlikeliness of having an eventful week, I will take the time to discuss it on this unlikely day it would be discussed.
Tomorrow my mother dearest will be arriving at approximately 12pm, which means today I have to cleanse my room, my car, and anything else that is mine of anything that seems unfamiliar, out of the ordinary, or illegal. It will stay cleansed until the day she gets on her plane back to Texas, and I will stay cleansed until that day, as well. I can already say that I cannot wait until my mom leaves. You can say I'm a selfish prick who takes my mom and all her hard work for granted. But after you've heard that accusation a billion times, and if you had a mother like mine, you would have no remorse, too. The only positive thing that will come out of my mother visiting is the minimal amount of cash I will receive before she leaves. And although she already gives me and my brother a small amount, regardless of the enourmous paycheck she reels in, I have a feeling my share will be even smaller due to the fact that she is aware of my drug addiction. Other than the financial surprise, my mothers visit means constant scolding, constant bothering, constant punishments, constant irritation, and for me, a constant reminder as to why I hate being at home.
The reason why I am even more apprehensive about my mom coming this weekend than usual, is because, just recently, I revealed to her my major insecurities and problems. And like she does everytime I express my feelings because she urges me to express them, she concludes that they are "bullshit" and that the way I am feeling towards my problems is stupid. To be honest, I think she is the reason why I'm so weak. You should have seen me as a kid. I couldn't walk in my own backyard without worrying if my mom would get mad or not.
So, if you would repeat with me please, I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL MY MOTHER LEAVES.
This Saturday is Culo's big birthday bash her mother decided to throw her for her 18th birthday. Unfortunately, her mom decided to throw it with the knowledge that there was still a Benchfam. And to even more unfortune, there isn't a Benchfam, and all the people that were supposed to go to Culo's birthday party will be attending Josslyns Debut, one of the factors as to why the entire incident that tore apart Benchfam happened. I can already see Culo, Crystel, Liana, and myself, sitting at a table ostrasized from the rest of the party, eating cold fingerfoods subconciously, as we await for the perfect time, between the cake eating and the aunties hooking up the Magic Mic, to grab a cigarette or two or five. It will, indeed, be utterly depressing, but at least I'm not alone. And I'm really attending to ensure that Culo would not have to fear that she will be alone on her big birthday bash. Oh, I can't wait.
To top it all off, JCR is taking her very much anticipated trip to the Bay area, to be finally reunited with her current form of occupying her time that she describes as being, oh how did she put it, "the greatest thing ever. the only thing she needs." For me, however, it is the greatest thing to ever make me nautious, and its the only thing she needs if she wants to fall in love with a known drama king/alcoholic. JCR will be there for the weekend, which means my already tremendous amount of confusing and depressing thoughts will be on overload for three days. When she comes back I anticipate numerous pictures of her and her newly beloved, stories of how great of a weekend it was filled with alcohol and drunk love making, and her extended wardrobe and a new phone compliments of her newly beloved.
This entry was just a draft. But I never got to finish it because the weekend slowly rolled in and I didn't want to be online when I knew my world was going to get worst yet again. So, you can read this and I will write in the next entry the outcome of my very eventful weekend and maybe something else more witty. Believe me, you'd love to hear the outcome. I wasn't going to post this, I was just going to skip to the outcome. But if you read this, you'll realize how much I wasn't prepared for the weekend as I seemed. I thought I was prepared for all the bad things that could and would happen after this weekend. But it really turned out far far more worst than I'd expected.
I'm hoping this is the part as the professional pessemist described as being the "alot worst" before things can get "better." But if this is just an evil taste as to how things can get a lot worst, then I hope those narcotic-makers make a drug so vile it can make you skip large chunks of time in your life. I wouldn't hesitiate to sign up to be a guinea pig for that one.
But today, on this particular Wednesday, I'll contemplate all the things that are ahead of me during this somewhat eventful week. Unlike other people, I can't describe my week as eventful anymore, not as often as I used to. So with this unlikeliness of having an eventful week, I will take the time to discuss it on this unlikely day it would be discussed.
Tomorrow my mother dearest will be arriving at approximately 12pm, which means today I have to cleanse my room, my car, and anything else that is mine of anything that seems unfamiliar, out of the ordinary, or illegal. It will stay cleansed until the day she gets on her plane back to Texas, and I will stay cleansed until that day, as well. I can already say that I cannot wait until my mom leaves. You can say I'm a selfish prick who takes my mom and all her hard work for granted. But after you've heard that accusation a billion times, and if you had a mother like mine, you would have no remorse, too. The only positive thing that will come out of my mother visiting is the minimal amount of cash I will receive before she leaves. And although she already gives me and my brother a small amount, regardless of the enourmous paycheck she reels in, I have a feeling my share will be even smaller due to the fact that she is aware of my drug addiction. Other than the financial surprise, my mothers visit means constant scolding, constant bothering, constant punishments, constant irritation, and for me, a constant reminder as to why I hate being at home.
The reason why I am even more apprehensive about my mom coming this weekend than usual, is because, just recently, I revealed to her my major insecurities and problems. And like she does everytime I express my feelings because she urges me to express them, she concludes that they are "bullshit" and that the way I am feeling towards my problems is stupid. To be honest, I think she is the reason why I'm so weak. You should have seen me as a kid. I couldn't walk in my own backyard without worrying if my mom would get mad or not.
So, if you would repeat with me please, I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL MY MOTHER LEAVES.
This Saturday is Culo's big birthday bash her mother decided to throw her for her 18th birthday. Unfortunately, her mom decided to throw it with the knowledge that there was still a Benchfam. And to even more unfortune, there isn't a Benchfam, and all the people that were supposed to go to Culo's birthday party will be attending Josslyns Debut, one of the factors as to why the entire incident that tore apart Benchfam happened. I can already see Culo, Crystel, Liana, and myself, sitting at a table ostrasized from the rest of the party, eating cold fingerfoods subconciously, as we await for the perfect time, between the cake eating and the aunties hooking up the Magic Mic, to grab a cigarette or two or five. It will, indeed, be utterly depressing, but at least I'm not alone. And I'm really attending to ensure that Culo would not have to fear that she will be alone on her big birthday bash. Oh, I can't wait.
To top it all off, JCR is taking her very much anticipated trip to the Bay area, to be finally reunited with her current form of occupying her time that she describes as being, oh how did she put it, "the greatest thing ever. the only thing she needs." For me, however, it is the greatest thing to ever make me nautious, and its the only thing she needs if she wants to fall in love with a known drama king/alcoholic. JCR will be there for the weekend, which means my already tremendous amount of confusing and depressing thoughts will be on overload for three days. When she comes back I anticipate numerous pictures of her and her newly beloved, stories of how great of a weekend it was filled with alcohol and drunk love making, and her extended wardrobe and a new phone compliments of her newly beloved.
This entry was just a draft. But I never got to finish it because the weekend slowly rolled in and I didn't want to be online when I knew my world was going to get worst yet again. So, you can read this and I will write in the next entry the outcome of my very eventful weekend and maybe something else more witty. Believe me, you'd love to hear the outcome. I wasn't going to post this, I was just going to skip to the outcome. But if you read this, you'll realize how much I wasn't prepared for the weekend as I seemed. I thought I was prepared for all the bad things that could and would happen after this weekend. But it really turned out far far more worst than I'd expected.
I'm hoping this is the part as the professional pessemist described as being the "alot worst" before things can get "better." But if this is just an evil taste as to how things can get a lot worst, then I hope those narcotic-makers make a drug so vile it can make you skip large chunks of time in your life. I wouldn't hesitiate to sign up to be a guinea pig for that one.
005. 1,2,3..Love!
This may seem like I'm contradicting myself since the last entry was about love, but I'm going to write it anyway because I think everyone deserves the truth once in awhile, with this whole world deceiving us everyday.
How can I put this lightly?
Love isn't real.
Okay, love is real. But you can't possibly believe that all these people that say they are in love are really in love. Because they're not. Love isn't common. Love is like the 8th wonder of the world. It's like Carmen San Diego and Waldo, you'll never find them. It's not found in your local grocery store, or can't be ordered over the phone. It's not that kind of thing. Not everyone can love.
Let me restate that. Everyone is capable of love and being loved, but its not that easy. You can't just ask someone to the movies, be together for two months, buy them a ring and say you two are in love. Well, I guess you can, if you're lucky. You see how confusing love is? Don't tell me you think all these people really understand what love is, nor do they know if they're even in it or not.
I can't even define love for you. No one can. I can make up a cute, little subliminal story about how love could possibly feel like. But I cannot tell you what it is. If I could, I'd have auditions for the "love of my life" right now. I can, however, attempt to tell you characteristics of how to conclude if one is truly in love. It's common sense really. You just have to really think about it. But who ever thinks while they're "in love"? No one.
Scenario: Bob wants to go to the club. He asks his boo, Jill, if its okay. She says its fine, she trusts him. He goes. While Bob is at the club, Jill calls 5 times within the first hour. And everytime she calls, she says I love you, and he says I love you, too. Bob doesn't answer the rest of Jills 100 phone calls because he believes she'll ruin his night.
Are Bob and Jill in love? No, they are definitely not. They do not have the number one characteristic of being in love. So, basically, they're lying to eachother. Bob and Jill are not in love because they don't trust eachother. Without trust, there is no love. There is no love if there is no trust. And not just trusting your significant other, but trusting yourself as well. I guaruntee if you don't trust eachother, you'll end up with a thousand meaningless fights, and one of those can easily be the end of your "love." If you trust your significant other, that means you trust and believe every word they say. Believing everything they say doesn't mean your gullible. Believing everything means you trust that they are telling you the truth. And if they trust you, they will tell you the truth. Easy? Because it is. Yet, people continually claim that they trust the person they are with, and then right after they say that they call to make sure they're lover is truly at the park walking the dog, but cover up this lack of trust by saying "I'm just calling because I miss you and I want to talk to you."
Next scenario: Jill wants to go to the gym with her girlfriends because that makes her happy. Bob says no, think of something else to do. The next day, Bob asks Jill if he can go bowling with the guys because that makes him happy. Jill says no, she didn't get to go yesterday, so why should he?
Are Bob and Jill in love? No, not even in this scenario. Love is blissful happiness, yes. But a human can't just live off of love. Although love is the greatest thing ever known to man, there are other things in life than love. Thus said, Love will always let it's significant other do what makes them happy. No if's, and's or but's about this one. Love is exceedingly understanding that no matter what makes your lover happy, you will allow them to enjoy it. If you can't understand, or tolerate what makes them happy, then you don't love them. If your lover enjoys having sex with someone different every night, and you're not okay with that, then you don't love them. Love doesn't object to the happiness of the significant other. If you let Love have their happiness, you will be happily in love. Makes sense? It does to people in love.
Last scenario: Bob spends all his money on partying and clubbing. Jill says thats not good for him or her and that he should stop. Bob plays the guilt card by saying that if she really loved him, she'd support him. Jill continuously begs him to change for her sake. He doesn't. They become homeless.
I don't even think I have to ask the question. Bob and Jill are the farthest thing from love. It's understandable to say that if you love someone, you should love them for who they are, and should not try to change them. Yes, that's true, but if your significant other is changing you for the better, then you will change, regardless if you think its better. If you see your lover unhappy because of something you do, then that's a sign to change. The real theory is that Love will always change, no matter what. But these days, people argue about fairness and individuality, and some people would rather be alone than have some change in their life. It's sad to believe that if you change you will be losing a part of who you are. But think about it, would you rather lose the one you love? If you are willing to change for them, unconditionally, then you love them. Period.
Now understand, if it is really Love then it will all work out. It can't just be one person trusting, and letting their lover be happy, and doing all the changing. No. If it's love, then it will be mutual. This is the hard part. This is when people get confused. It doesn't have to be an exact balance, but it should be close. And the closer it is to being mutually balanced, the more evidence for you to say that you are, indeed, in love.
To conclude, the best way to know if its love or not is if it doesn't end. Because love never ends. It doesn't die. It doesn't fade. Love always stays and it can only learn and grow as it progresses. You can make up all the excuses you can as to why you and your "one true love" aren't together anymore. I'm going to try and break this down as best as I can. Love should work simutanuously, but it doesn't necessarily have to. One of you might need some growing, or maturing, or learning to do, so it might take a month or a year or a couple years until both of you can be in love, together. Until then, the other person has to wait. And waiting is always gambling with life and love, and might just bring the wait-er into an all time low. Nonetheless, if it does end, and no one is willing to wait or give second chances, then it wasn't love.
It has ended. So why do I hurt as though I am in love? Is that your question? Humor me more, please. I have an answer for this, as well. If you are hurting and you are depressed because the one you loved left you, then it wasn't love, as I have already clarified. This is what you call an addiction to LoveDrug. You are going through self-rehabilitation, that's why it hurts.
I will explain LoveDrug in a future entry because it is that complex and this entry is long enough.
If after reading this, you have concluded that you are in love, then congradulations. But if I were you, I'd be much more scared than happy. Because being in love also means being one of the most vulnerable people on the face of the earth, especially if you decide to love and hold nothing back. But if you trust your lover enough to protect you from this vulnerability, then you don't need me to say congradulations.
All I'll say to you is, "You lucky mother fucker, you are in Love."
How can I put this lightly?
Love isn't real.
Okay, love is real. But you can't possibly believe that all these people that say they are in love are really in love. Because they're not. Love isn't common. Love is like the 8th wonder of the world. It's like Carmen San Diego and Waldo, you'll never find them. It's not found in your local grocery store, or can't be ordered over the phone. It's not that kind of thing. Not everyone can love.
Let me restate that. Everyone is capable of love and being loved, but its not that easy. You can't just ask someone to the movies, be together for two months, buy them a ring and say you two are in love. Well, I guess you can, if you're lucky. You see how confusing love is? Don't tell me you think all these people really understand what love is, nor do they know if they're even in it or not.
I can't even define love for you. No one can. I can make up a cute, little subliminal story about how love could possibly feel like. But I cannot tell you what it is. If I could, I'd have auditions for the "love of my life" right now. I can, however, attempt to tell you characteristics of how to conclude if one is truly in love. It's common sense really. You just have to really think about it. But who ever thinks while they're "in love"? No one.
Scenario: Bob wants to go to the club. He asks his boo, Jill, if its okay. She says its fine, she trusts him. He goes. While Bob is at the club, Jill calls 5 times within the first hour. And everytime she calls, she says I love you, and he says I love you, too. Bob doesn't answer the rest of Jills 100 phone calls because he believes she'll ruin his night.
Are Bob and Jill in love? No, they are definitely not. They do not have the number one characteristic of being in love. So, basically, they're lying to eachother. Bob and Jill are not in love because they don't trust eachother. Without trust, there is no love. There is no love if there is no trust. And not just trusting your significant other, but trusting yourself as well. I guaruntee if you don't trust eachother, you'll end up with a thousand meaningless fights, and one of those can easily be the end of your "love." If you trust your significant other, that means you trust and believe every word they say. Believing everything they say doesn't mean your gullible. Believing everything means you trust that they are telling you the truth. And if they trust you, they will tell you the truth. Easy? Because it is. Yet, people continually claim that they trust the person they are with, and then right after they say that they call to make sure they're lover is truly at the park walking the dog, but cover up this lack of trust by saying "I'm just calling because I miss you and I want to talk to you."
Next scenario: Jill wants to go to the gym with her girlfriends because that makes her happy. Bob says no, think of something else to do. The next day, Bob asks Jill if he can go bowling with the guys because that makes him happy. Jill says no, she didn't get to go yesterday, so why should he?
Are Bob and Jill in love? No, not even in this scenario. Love is blissful happiness, yes. But a human can't just live off of love. Although love is the greatest thing ever known to man, there are other things in life than love. Thus said, Love will always let it's significant other do what makes them happy. No if's, and's or but's about this one. Love is exceedingly understanding that no matter what makes your lover happy, you will allow them to enjoy it. If you can't understand, or tolerate what makes them happy, then you don't love them. If your lover enjoys having sex with someone different every night, and you're not okay with that, then you don't love them. Love doesn't object to the happiness of the significant other. If you let Love have their happiness, you will be happily in love. Makes sense? It does to people in love.
Last scenario: Bob spends all his money on partying and clubbing. Jill says thats not good for him or her and that he should stop. Bob plays the guilt card by saying that if she really loved him, she'd support him. Jill continuously begs him to change for her sake. He doesn't. They become homeless.
I don't even think I have to ask the question. Bob and Jill are the farthest thing from love. It's understandable to say that if you love someone, you should love them for who they are, and should not try to change them. Yes, that's true, but if your significant other is changing you for the better, then you will change, regardless if you think its better. If you see your lover unhappy because of something you do, then that's a sign to change. The real theory is that Love will always change, no matter what. But these days, people argue about fairness and individuality, and some people would rather be alone than have some change in their life. It's sad to believe that if you change you will be losing a part of who you are. But think about it, would you rather lose the one you love? If you are willing to change for them, unconditionally, then you love them. Period.
Now understand, if it is really Love then it will all work out. It can't just be one person trusting, and letting their lover be happy, and doing all the changing. No. If it's love, then it will be mutual. This is the hard part. This is when people get confused. It doesn't have to be an exact balance, but it should be close. And the closer it is to being mutually balanced, the more evidence for you to say that you are, indeed, in love.
To conclude, the best way to know if its love or not is if it doesn't end. Because love never ends. It doesn't die. It doesn't fade. Love always stays and it can only learn and grow as it progresses. You can make up all the excuses you can as to why you and your "one true love" aren't together anymore. I'm going to try and break this down as best as I can. Love should work simutanuously, but it doesn't necessarily have to. One of you might need some growing, or maturing, or learning to do, so it might take a month or a year or a couple years until both of you can be in love, together. Until then, the other person has to wait. And waiting is always gambling with life and love, and might just bring the wait-er into an all time low. Nonetheless, if it does end, and no one is willing to wait or give second chances, then it wasn't love.
It has ended. So why do I hurt as though I am in love? Is that your question? Humor me more, please. I have an answer for this, as well. If you are hurting and you are depressed because the one you loved left you, then it wasn't love, as I have already clarified. This is what you call an addiction to LoveDrug. You are going through self-rehabilitation, that's why it hurts.
I will explain LoveDrug in a future entry because it is that complex and this entry is long enough.
If after reading this, you have concluded that you are in love, then congradulations. But if I were you, I'd be much more scared than happy. Because being in love also means being one of the most vulnerable people on the face of the earth, especially if you decide to love and hold nothing back. But if you trust your lover enough to protect you from this vulnerability, then you don't need me to say congradulations.
All I'll say to you is, "You lucky mother fucker, you are in Love."
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
004. the marker that wasn't just a marker.
It was a normal day, of a normal month, in a normal year. The sun wasn't out and the breeze was average as I walk on a path I dared not to walk on before. But for some reason, it was the one I took on this normal day, of a normal month, in a normal year. As I walk aimlessly, ready to encounter new things and new experiences, I feel this warmth that suddenly overtook my body. I look around, hoping to find where the source was, but there was nothing in sight except for the path ahead of me. I continued to walk and continued to look when I started to realize that my stomach was aching for an odd reason. It felt as though it was being filled by hundreds bunnies or rainbows or something happy because although I thought it was an ache, it didn't ache at all. It just felt funny. But a good funny. The funny feeling you get when you go down that first drop on a rollarcoaster. Or maybe you can better understand if I say that it's similar to the feeling that you get when you see fireworks for the first time.
So as I walk on this normal day, of a normal month, in a normal year, with the overpowering warmth and the funny feeling, I notice that I'm getting goosebumps. I'm completely apalled because I don't normally get goosebumps unless its cold but with this warm goodness all over me I denied that explaination. So imagine me walking, in utter confusion and utter curiosity, when suddenly I notice a marker on the floor. A red one to be exact. I picked it up and all my unfamiliar feelings intensify. I scrutinize at it more closely to hopefully find answers to all my questions. But as I turn it to see what color or what its name was, it jumps from my hands. It starts to draw a red, yet bold line down the path that was ahead of me.
You'd assume I'd think twice before following this weird thing with all these weird feelings inside me, but instead I follow it.
I'm running now because it's moving faster but I'm not scared because it makes me feel safe. I've always been one to believe that taking it slow was the best. But this time, it was different. I'm running, not knowing where I was going, when suddenly I'm falling. It was the biggest drop I've ever experienced. Yet, believe it or not, I wasn't scared. I'm falling and falling when I finally land, upside down. Head over heels, you could say. I get up and brush myself off and notice the marker in front of me. It jumps into my hands and allows me to hold it and I feel more comfortable than ever, especially after that tremendous fall. I hold it to let it know it was safe and the feelings inside are amplified.
It starts to write something in my palm. I watch, curiously, because a different feeling starts to take over the rest of the feelings that were once inside me. It jumps from my hand yet again, and reveals what it had written. It was a heart. A heart in the middle of my palm. And although the heart was a little smudged because my palms were sweaty, it looked perfect to me. Then suddenly the marker begins to color everything around me. From the skies to the ground, it colors. Everything seemed brighter and better and everything made more sense.
So, on this, now, perfect day, of the perfect month, in the perfect year, with the sun shining bright and the breeze being perfectly fine, I sit with the marker. The marker that made me follow it down this unfamiliar path, that gave me weird feelings, that colored my world. And even with all that I've been through with this coloring fein, I have yet to discover what it truly was. So I asked sincerely, "what are you exactly?" It replies, "I'll tell you if you promise to keep me, if you promise to hold me always, if you promise to never let me go." I promise with deep sincerity because, after all, this is the best feeling I've ever felt. It jumps up and begins to write on me. This time on my chest, better yet, my heart. And it slowly writes with passion and no hesitation,
I made you feel.
I made you follow.
I made you fall.
I made you mine.
And it softly says, in a sweet whisper it says, in a gentle voice it says,
I'm love.
So as I walk on this normal day, of a normal month, in a normal year, with the overpowering warmth and the funny feeling, I notice that I'm getting goosebumps. I'm completely apalled because I don't normally get goosebumps unless its cold but with this warm goodness all over me I denied that explaination. So imagine me walking, in utter confusion and utter curiosity, when suddenly I notice a marker on the floor. A red one to be exact. I picked it up and all my unfamiliar feelings intensify. I scrutinize at it more closely to hopefully find answers to all my questions. But as I turn it to see what color or what its name was, it jumps from my hands. It starts to draw a red, yet bold line down the path that was ahead of me.
You'd assume I'd think twice before following this weird thing with all these weird feelings inside me, but instead I follow it.
I'm running now because it's moving faster but I'm not scared because it makes me feel safe. I've always been one to believe that taking it slow was the best. But this time, it was different. I'm running, not knowing where I was going, when suddenly I'm falling. It was the biggest drop I've ever experienced. Yet, believe it or not, I wasn't scared. I'm falling and falling when I finally land, upside down. Head over heels, you could say. I get up and brush myself off and notice the marker in front of me. It jumps into my hands and allows me to hold it and I feel more comfortable than ever, especially after that tremendous fall. I hold it to let it know it was safe and the feelings inside are amplified.
It starts to write something in my palm. I watch, curiously, because a different feeling starts to take over the rest of the feelings that were once inside me. It jumps from my hand yet again, and reveals what it had written. It was a heart. A heart in the middle of my palm. And although the heart was a little smudged because my palms were sweaty, it looked perfect to me. Then suddenly the marker begins to color everything around me. From the skies to the ground, it colors. Everything seemed brighter and better and everything made more sense.
So, on this, now, perfect day, of the perfect month, in the perfect year, with the sun shining bright and the breeze being perfectly fine, I sit with the marker. The marker that made me follow it down this unfamiliar path, that gave me weird feelings, that colored my world. And even with all that I've been through with this coloring fein, I have yet to discover what it truly was. So I asked sincerely, "what are you exactly?" It replies, "I'll tell you if you promise to keep me, if you promise to hold me always, if you promise to never let me go." I promise with deep sincerity because, after all, this is the best feeling I've ever felt. It jumps up and begins to write on me. This time on my chest, better yet, my heart. And it slowly writes with passion and no hesitation,
I made you feel.
I made you follow.
I made you fall.
I made you mine.
And it softly says, in a sweet whisper it says, in a gentle voice it says,
I'm love.
Monday, October 8, 2007
003. Visiting an old friend.
Although I cried and slept most of yesterday, October 8, 2007, it was very overwhelming. On second thought, overwhelming wouldn't describe it that great because that would mean I was just surprised by the impact of it all. No, I wasn't overwhelmed. I was actually quite calm and only distressed because I was thinking about the past and how much my life is in utter shit, but that happens everyday so it really wasn't anything.
Today I visited my good old friend, Suicide. His real name is Attempt to Commit, which is what everyone calls him, but we both agreed that if I'm dead inside then he is what he is. Indeed we didn't touch but I did talk to him for awhile. We've been conversing lately but we finally decided to meet up for some coffee and narcotics and to have a smoke or two.
Okay, I'll stop talking like that because it is a touchy subject for happy people.
I am known to be invincible, immortal even. I cannot die. It is very arrogant of me to say that but it's true, in a sense. When it comes to being in a deadly situation and not dying, I'm 4 out of 4. Out of the four times I have tried to kill myself, I still haven't been able to reach death. Do I sound disappointed? It's because I am. Well, I am now, only because I've been considering it, yet again. I know I sound crazy. Someone that attempts to commit suicide is seen and known as crazy. But to me, I never really thought I was crazy. Just weak.
Don't perceive me wrong, I'm not one of those kids that attempt to commit suicide in hopes of grabbing the attention of people. I don't know what to say to convince you that I'm really not, so I guess you think what you want to believe. I do know what makes me want to commit suicide. I have gone through a lot of different problems and obstacles in my life but the one's that seem to make me want to attempt to kill myself are the one's that seem as though they are not going to be solved at all, which result to the belief that I'm going to have to deal with the problem for the rest of my miserable life. And since I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life, it will contaminate other aspects of life, creating even more complications for me to deal with. When I want, and feel the need to kill myself it is because I see myself living life towards a dead end and I see no point in going further.
I've thought the entire process through, too, yesterday. Two of the four times were failed because I was forced to be innovative and utilize whatever was around me to do the job. If I planned ahead, I might have been able to achieve my goal. One out of the four times didn't go through because as I was in the process of dying, I was interupted by four of the people I loved and I couldn't bear to do the evil and selfish deed in front of them, so I was forced to fight against it. Additionally, I didn't take enough pills or drink enough alcohol for the two to react how they are supposed to, in order to reach my preferred outcome.
The other time out of the four times, the one that sent my unstable ass to rehab, was the most I've gotten close to what I wanted. But again I was stupid and I decided to call my all time best friend minutes before my heart stopped beating. She immediately called my family who barged in as I was choking on my few last breathes of air. My entire family, if you want to imagine how embarrassing it was for me. It was Thanksgiving. So, as I was sitting in my grandma's bathroom, devouring every pill that was in that house, my family was happily eating turkey and singing old songs from the 80's on the karaoke. Makes sense how no one heard me gasping for air. Ironically sadistic? I believe so.
Last night, however, I did not even get remotely close to the resolution I have been hoping for. I had all the tools I needed (narcotics, knife, mode of transportation) and I was already at the edge, meaning there wasn't really any doubt for me to contemplate over. I was far from anyone that would try to disturb me. Far enough that it would take anyone 30 minutes to reach me, and another 20 to figure out how to unlock the doors, 3 minutes to cry and waste time, 7 minutes to think of what to do, 10 minutes to get me to the nearest hospital, and by then I'd be left with less than a pint of blood.
But I am stupid and I am emo, and emo people always want their end to have a significance, whether it be a note or the act of love or something stupid that can risk the completion of the act. I already completed step one and two, drive far and park somewhere of no importance to me, and get so drugged up that the pain wouldn't hurt as much. All I had to do was put a knife through my hand, make a deep slice on my stomach and a huge gash on my shin. Why on my shin, too? So there are three outlets for the blood to leave my body and if I was sitting in my car, they'd only notice my hand first and it would take them awhile to see the blood puddle under me. Like I said, I thought this through.
I do not have the courage and determination to stab myself in the heart, nor do I even know where to pierce myself exactly to hit my heart. And I figured I might as well watch myself die slowly because I was drugged up and I always wanted to see puddles of blood in real life.
Back to the yesterday. I was far, drugged up, and had the knife. But this emotional cloud came over me and I call "the only person I wanted to hear before I die." None other than JCR. She continued to attempt to convince me to stop as I argued continually while catching her up with my pathetic life. And with the same power that she has that makes me fall in love with her all over again everytime I see her, she is able to stop me from reuniting with my best friend Suicide. I end up sitting in my car until the next day, high as fuck, thinking when I will actually be able to pull through with this. I should leave my phone home next time. And gag myself or something. Yeah, next time.
But hey, if I died, you wouldn't be able to read about this ever-so-miserable all time low. And if I try this suicide thing again, which is a big possibility when your going through an all time low, I promise to just politely mention in, because I don't want to go into detail yet again. That would be redundant since its either I live and tell you about it, or finally succeeded and you'd never know.
Reminder: Never associate yourself with Suicide. He really has his way with words that'll make you keep coming back for more.
Today I visited my good old friend, Suicide. His real name is Attempt to Commit, which is what everyone calls him, but we both agreed that if I'm dead inside then he is what he is. Indeed we didn't touch but I did talk to him for awhile. We've been conversing lately but we finally decided to meet up for some coffee and narcotics and to have a smoke or two.
Okay, I'll stop talking like that because it is a touchy subject for happy people.
I am known to be invincible, immortal even. I cannot die. It is very arrogant of me to say that but it's true, in a sense. When it comes to being in a deadly situation and not dying, I'm 4 out of 4. Out of the four times I have tried to kill myself, I still haven't been able to reach death. Do I sound disappointed? It's because I am. Well, I am now, only because I've been considering it, yet again. I know I sound crazy. Someone that attempts to commit suicide is seen and known as crazy. But to me, I never really thought I was crazy. Just weak.
Don't perceive me wrong, I'm not one of those kids that attempt to commit suicide in hopes of grabbing the attention of people. I don't know what to say to convince you that I'm really not, so I guess you think what you want to believe. I do know what makes me want to commit suicide. I have gone through a lot of different problems and obstacles in my life but the one's that seem to make me want to attempt to kill myself are the one's that seem as though they are not going to be solved at all, which result to the belief that I'm going to have to deal with the problem for the rest of my miserable life. And since I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life, it will contaminate other aspects of life, creating even more complications for me to deal with. When I want, and feel the need to kill myself it is because I see myself living life towards a dead end and I see no point in going further.
I've thought the entire process through, too, yesterday. Two of the four times were failed because I was forced to be innovative and utilize whatever was around me to do the job. If I planned ahead, I might have been able to achieve my goal. One out of the four times didn't go through because as I was in the process of dying, I was interupted by four of the people I loved and I couldn't bear to do the evil and selfish deed in front of them, so I was forced to fight against it. Additionally, I didn't take enough pills or drink enough alcohol for the two to react how they are supposed to, in order to reach my preferred outcome.
The other time out of the four times, the one that sent my unstable ass to rehab, was the most I've gotten close to what I wanted. But again I was stupid and I decided to call my all time best friend minutes before my heart stopped beating. She immediately called my family who barged in as I was choking on my few last breathes of air. My entire family, if you want to imagine how embarrassing it was for me. It was Thanksgiving. So, as I was sitting in my grandma's bathroom, devouring every pill that was in that house, my family was happily eating turkey and singing old songs from the 80's on the karaoke. Makes sense how no one heard me gasping for air. Ironically sadistic? I believe so.
Last night, however, I did not even get remotely close to the resolution I have been hoping for. I had all the tools I needed (narcotics, knife, mode of transportation) and I was already at the edge, meaning there wasn't really any doubt for me to contemplate over. I was far from anyone that would try to disturb me. Far enough that it would take anyone 30 minutes to reach me, and another 20 to figure out how to unlock the doors, 3 minutes to cry and waste time, 7 minutes to think of what to do, 10 minutes to get me to the nearest hospital, and by then I'd be left with less than a pint of blood.
But I am stupid and I am emo, and emo people always want their end to have a significance, whether it be a note or the act of love or something stupid that can risk the completion of the act. I already completed step one and two, drive far and park somewhere of no importance to me, and get so drugged up that the pain wouldn't hurt as much. All I had to do was put a knife through my hand, make a deep slice on my stomach and a huge gash on my shin. Why on my shin, too? So there are three outlets for the blood to leave my body and if I was sitting in my car, they'd only notice my hand first and it would take them awhile to see the blood puddle under me. Like I said, I thought this through.
I do not have the courage and determination to stab myself in the heart, nor do I even know where to pierce myself exactly to hit my heart. And I figured I might as well watch myself die slowly because I was drugged up and I always wanted to see puddles of blood in real life.
Back to the yesterday. I was far, drugged up, and had the knife. But this emotional cloud came over me and I call "the only person I wanted to hear before I die." None other than JCR. She continued to attempt to convince me to stop as I argued continually while catching her up with my pathetic life. And with the same power that she has that makes me fall in love with her all over again everytime I see her, she is able to stop me from reuniting with my best friend Suicide. I end up sitting in my car until the next day, high as fuck, thinking when I will actually be able to pull through with this. I should leave my phone home next time. And gag myself or something. Yeah, next time.
But hey, if I died, you wouldn't be able to read about this ever-so-miserable all time low. And if I try this suicide thing again, which is a big possibility when your going through an all time low, I promise to just politely mention in, because I don't want to go into detail yet again. That would be redundant since its either I live and tell you about it, or finally succeeded and you'd never know.
Reminder: Never associate yourself with Suicide. He really has his way with words that'll make you keep coming back for more.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
002. the breadown of things, or an attempt atleast.
If someone asked me, "Can you remember the last time you were truly happy?" I'd give them the most blank stare my motionless face can conjure and profess bluntly that a person born blind would have an easier time remembering the last time he saw the back of his head.
And so I'll ask myself the question that everyone asks themselves when they're going through a terrible experience: what did I do, exactly, to deserve this? All of this?
I added the "all of this" to emphasize that I'm going through a number of distressing problems all at once. And to make matters even more confusing than they already are, I can't recall the exact day that I hit my all time low. Indeed, I was aware of when each individual problem occured but I can't seem to remembered when they all bombarded me at the same, exact time. Look at this as a summarization of the disasters or, lightly put, problems that happened consecutively. Consecutively, meaning there was no room for me to take a breather.
In order of importance, not occurance.
1. The JCR
I've decided to dub her JCR because the new hit series "Gossip Girl" ingeniously uses single letters as names for significant people in the schools latest drama, which is relevent to JCR these days. I'll be generous and use her initials because she was a big part of my life, considering she is number 1, as I always said and as she always never believed.
I can easily describe JCR as my first love and the definite love of my life, but that would be an understatement. Understand, it took me to the end to finally realize who she really was. JCR can be best described as the insensitive, selfish girl that rid herself of any decency and rationalism after she broke up with me. Along with cleansing herself of any sensible traits, she loses all respect for me and decides to forget how to care for other people but herself.
Yes, you read correctly, JCR broke up with me. Her reasons, or should I say excuses, for breaking up with me was that she simply lost feelings for me and she wanted, no, needed to experience other relationships because she was just too damn young to dedicate herself to one person this soon. The irony in all of this is that I felt the exact same way two years ago which resulted to our first and only breakup. Being the idiot that I am, I went back to her heart-broken self with promises of rebuilding our relationship into something great. And great it was. Two years of great to be exact. Yes, I cared for her unconditionally, but I never intended on loving her until she professed her undeniable love, and dedication to the love, for me. Seeing her on bended knee, I make the bold decision of dedicating myself as well. This dedication I decided to act upon was extreme. I was at the point that I did everything, sacrificed anything, and basically gave up who I was to ensure her happiness. And at this same point, where you would think the love was at its highest perfection, she leaves me.
I believe it hurt a billion times more than it should have because I honestly didn't do anything wrong. Not to degrade myself even more, I did everything, and I mean Everything, she wanted. And at the same time I thought I was loving her now more than ever, she's realizing her love for me is fading. She really fooled me.
It would be both long and tedious to read if I explained the entire break up experience. Luckily, I have concluded to two factors from the break up that contribute to my all time low.
She recently declared that she would never, ever be able to go back to me and that every ounce of love she had for me is completely gone. I guess you can say I always felt that she would come back. I still feel like she'll come to the rescue and save me from this unbreakable sadness. Regardless, the seriousness and the absence of remorse in her voice took away almost all the hope I had in my heart.
Yes, I have almost completely accepted the fact that JCR will never come back. But what hurts even more is, perceived from her actions and reactions in numerous situations, that the two years I sacrificed for her and spent with her seems so insignificant to her. It always seems like our relationship didn't really leave a profound affect on her. Of course, I replay the two years in my head constantly, because I'm the one that's broken. But she always portrays the idea that the two years were worthless, and are easily forgotten and will never be mentioned, ever again.
And that idea makes me think that I'm worthless, easily forgotten, and will never be mentioned of, ever again.
2. Benchfam, THE Benchfam
It's agreed that the name isn't as mature or respected as it should be, but the name was merely a casual cover to the rare, yet significant unit underneath. What Benchfam was made of and that connection, that vibe that was within it was what I always felt fortunate for. The surprising equation of the different personalities and perspectives on life put together in one was confusing, but at the same time made perfect sense. And if the equation was utilized correctly, would be unstoppable. I always felt honored to be a part of such a great thing and to be, not friends, but family with every single person in it. The family I trusted tremendously, without hesitation. It is always a gamble when you decide to put all your trust in something, but I believed I was investing in something that I will always need throughout my life. Benchfam was the ultimate support system. It was always there when I needed it, with a variety of solutions and advice and shoulders I could lean and depend on. It was the support system that had an affect of naturally easing the pain, without effort.
An incident happened. An incident that dealt with the feeling of betrayal and, yet again, unimportance. It was as though, I didn't really matter much to Benchfam. And even as time passed, no one attempted to talk to me or become my friend again. I always thought I had some significance in Benchfam. But it is obvious, that they are more, much much more, significant to me than I ever was to all of them. The loss of yet another support system and something I loved was just too much. I still have friends beside me, I can't say that I'm alone. But losing that comfort, that belonging, that significance was something that I was feeding off of after JCR left me. And the most depressing part of this situation is that as much effort as Benchfam and I can put into solving the problem, it will never be the same. Yeah yeah, it can be different but still good but I don't think anyone knows how great and perfect it was. So to say it might not be the same, but it might get better is completely false.
There will be greater friends than Benchfam. I'll let you preach that much.
But there will never be a greater family than Benchfam. And that will ring in my head everyday.
I will list the rest of my problems because they are self explanitory and are able to sympathize and empathize with. The first too were far complex and needed explaination in order to understand the amount of loss I'm going through.
3. The loss of trust and abandonment from my Mother.
Not complete abandonment, but enough to say "I'll help you a little, financially, but to be honest I don't care that much about you and I'm trying to save your little brother from evil and dead end life your living."
4. Loss of job which connects to no income which connects to #5.
5. In deep debt.
6. Failing grades that will effect if I can receive the benefits I get.
Well, there you have it. My problems in a nut shell. I didn't get into the biggest problem though. The biggest problem would be Me. But you'll be able to read all about that one. You are now caught up with my life. Congradulations, you are now ready to witness, with minor ignorance, the pitiful life of Ly.
And as you read, be sure to jot down some notes. Include what not to do, how not to react, and the major symptoms of an incoming all time low experience. I'm being serious. It's for your own good.
And so I'll ask myself the question that everyone asks themselves when they're going through a terrible experience: what did I do, exactly, to deserve this? All of this?
I added the "all of this" to emphasize that I'm going through a number of distressing problems all at once. And to make matters even more confusing than they already are, I can't recall the exact day that I hit my all time low. Indeed, I was aware of when each individual problem occured but I can't seem to remembered when they all bombarded me at the same, exact time. Look at this as a summarization of the disasters or, lightly put, problems that happened consecutively. Consecutively, meaning there was no room for me to take a breather.
In order of importance, not occurance.
1. The JCR
I've decided to dub her JCR because the new hit series "Gossip Girl" ingeniously uses single letters as names for significant people in the schools latest drama, which is relevent to JCR these days. I'll be generous and use her initials because she was a big part of my life, considering she is number 1, as I always said and as she always never believed.
I can easily describe JCR as my first love and the definite love of my life, but that would be an understatement. Understand, it took me to the end to finally realize who she really was. JCR can be best described as the insensitive, selfish girl that rid herself of any decency and rationalism after she broke up with me. Along with cleansing herself of any sensible traits, she loses all respect for me and decides to forget how to care for other people but herself.
Yes, you read correctly, JCR broke up with me. Her reasons, or should I say excuses, for breaking up with me was that she simply lost feelings for me and she wanted, no, needed to experience other relationships because she was just too damn young to dedicate herself to one person this soon. The irony in all of this is that I felt the exact same way two years ago which resulted to our first and only breakup. Being the idiot that I am, I went back to her heart-broken self with promises of rebuilding our relationship into something great. And great it was. Two years of great to be exact. Yes, I cared for her unconditionally, but I never intended on loving her until she professed her undeniable love, and dedication to the love, for me. Seeing her on bended knee, I make the bold decision of dedicating myself as well. This dedication I decided to act upon was extreme. I was at the point that I did everything, sacrificed anything, and basically gave up who I was to ensure her happiness. And at this same point, where you would think the love was at its highest perfection, she leaves me.
I believe it hurt a billion times more than it should have because I honestly didn't do anything wrong. Not to degrade myself even more, I did everything, and I mean Everything, she wanted. And at the same time I thought I was loving her now more than ever, she's realizing her love for me is fading. She really fooled me.
It would be both long and tedious to read if I explained the entire break up experience. Luckily, I have concluded to two factors from the break up that contribute to my all time low.
She recently declared that she would never, ever be able to go back to me and that every ounce of love she had for me is completely gone. I guess you can say I always felt that she would come back. I still feel like she'll come to the rescue and save me from this unbreakable sadness. Regardless, the seriousness and the absence of remorse in her voice took away almost all the hope I had in my heart.
Yes, I have almost completely accepted the fact that JCR will never come back. But what hurts even more is, perceived from her actions and reactions in numerous situations, that the two years I sacrificed for her and spent with her seems so insignificant to her. It always seems like our relationship didn't really leave a profound affect on her. Of course, I replay the two years in my head constantly, because I'm the one that's broken. But she always portrays the idea that the two years were worthless, and are easily forgotten and will never be mentioned, ever again.
And that idea makes me think that I'm worthless, easily forgotten, and will never be mentioned of, ever again.
2. Benchfam, THE Benchfam
It's agreed that the name isn't as mature or respected as it should be, but the name was merely a casual cover to the rare, yet significant unit underneath. What Benchfam was made of and that connection, that vibe that was within it was what I always felt fortunate for. The surprising equation of the different personalities and perspectives on life put together in one was confusing, but at the same time made perfect sense. And if the equation was utilized correctly, would be unstoppable. I always felt honored to be a part of such a great thing and to be, not friends, but family with every single person in it. The family I trusted tremendously, without hesitation. It is always a gamble when you decide to put all your trust in something, but I believed I was investing in something that I will always need throughout my life. Benchfam was the ultimate support system. It was always there when I needed it, with a variety of solutions and advice and shoulders I could lean and depend on. It was the support system that had an affect of naturally easing the pain, without effort.
An incident happened. An incident that dealt with the feeling of betrayal and, yet again, unimportance. It was as though, I didn't really matter much to Benchfam. And even as time passed, no one attempted to talk to me or become my friend again. I always thought I had some significance in Benchfam. But it is obvious, that they are more, much much more, significant to me than I ever was to all of them. The loss of yet another support system and something I loved was just too much. I still have friends beside me, I can't say that I'm alone. But losing that comfort, that belonging, that significance was something that I was feeding off of after JCR left me. And the most depressing part of this situation is that as much effort as Benchfam and I can put into solving the problem, it will never be the same. Yeah yeah, it can be different but still good but I don't think anyone knows how great and perfect it was. So to say it might not be the same, but it might get better is completely false.
There will be greater friends than Benchfam. I'll let you preach that much.
But there will never be a greater family than Benchfam. And that will ring in my head everyday.
I will list the rest of my problems because they are self explanitory and are able to sympathize and empathize with. The first too were far complex and needed explaination in order to understand the amount of loss I'm going through.
3. The loss of trust and abandonment from my Mother.
Not complete abandonment, but enough to say "I'll help you a little, financially, but to be honest I don't care that much about you and I'm trying to save your little brother from evil and dead end life your living."
4. Loss of job which connects to no income which connects to #5.
5. In deep debt.
6. Failing grades that will effect if I can receive the benefits I get.
Well, there you have it. My problems in a nut shell. I didn't get into the biggest problem though. The biggest problem would be Me. But you'll be able to read all about that one. You are now caught up with my life. Congradulations, you are now ready to witness, with minor ignorance, the pitiful life of Ly.
And as you read, be sure to jot down some notes. Include what not to do, how not to react, and the major symptoms of an incoming all time low experience. I'm being serious. It's for your own good.
001. the beginning of the end.
Please define "the all time low":
1. A state of being that is neither bearable nor tolerable.
2. When one loses everything, in terms of everything that one's world revolved around.
3. The lowest point of emotional disturbance that can't be ignored naturally.
4. Feeling completely exhausted and hopeless due to failed attempts to abolish it.
5. When coping isn't really coping because that pain continues to flourish every minute.
6.Having no one. Better yet, feeling alone to the point where lonliness is routine.
7. Not being able to determine whether one is in helpless pain or the usual numb.
8.Creating false notions to rid one's self of being in an "all time low," but only becoming lower.
9. Feeling unwanted, unimportant, unappreciated, and every other un- to any positive word.
10. Turning to narcotics or alcohol because every other option seems completely worthless.
11.An emptiness that can only be filled with pessimism and tears.
12. A state of being that one should never experience and should be avoided as much as possible.
Its incomprehensible to believe that your whole world can be turned upside down. Its even more incomprehensible to have your whole world turned upside down, then shook aggressively, then dropped to the floor, and finally stepped on by everyone that seemed important to you.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. You can even say being at an all time low is just a dramatic case of self-pity. But to be honest, I have never felt this feeling before. It wouldn't even be applicable to call it a pain. No, I feel no pain. It obviously hurts but when you've gone through the other levels before you hit the all time low, that familiar pain starts to become a subtle numb. And as sadistic as it sounds, the pain is actually more prefered. Why? Because a pain, if treated correctly with an extreme amount of optimism and hope, can be cured. A pain can be taken away. A numb, however, must be waited out. A numb will continue to be numb until its gone, but the scary part is there is no way to determine when that is.
Let this be evidence that I am not trying to trick everyone or myself. I am professing that I am at an all time low and I am dependent on narcotics to feel. To feel what you ask? To just feel. Because even the simplest thing as to being able to feel is seen as a priveledge when your at an all time low. I'm addressing this because it is obvious that I am not in denial nor addicted to the point that I am not aware I am dependent. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not proud of it. I'm actually ashamed at the fact that my self-esteem and confidence is that low too. Come to think of it, I don't even think I have a self-esteem. And I'm pretty sure that confidence is hallow optimism in disguise.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ly, former optimist, former happiness projector, a party-thrower-has-been, coordinator of the infamous and constantly criticized Benchfam, lover of JCR, past fighter for originality and self-opinions, and the passionate supporter of living a fulfilled, prosperous, and enjoyable life.
Please notice the past tense in the previous paragraph while I correctly introduce myself in present tense.
Allow me to introduce myself once more. I am Ly, a pessimist with no room for anything positive, creator of that negative vibe people walk away from, the one thats not fucked up on alcohol but on an illegal substance, aspiring destructor of the naive and immature Benchfam, abandoned by the adored JCR, exhausted from failed attempts for liberalism, and the constant disbeliever of love, success, and utter happiness.
To conclude this extensive introduction, if this looks like its going to be a long, pitiful, and pathetic narration of the life of an "all time low-er," then you're absolutely right. That is exactly what it is. Although it is said that writing is a form of therapy, this in fact will be the farthest thing from being therapeutic. Ironically, writing about being at an all time low only encourages the feeling to stay even longer. Depressing huh? Just a reminder, it's only the beginning. And at an all time low, quoted from a professional pessimist, "things are going to get alot worse before it can get better."
Brace yourself, its known to be contagious.
1. A state of being that is neither bearable nor tolerable.
2. When one loses everything, in terms of everything that one's world revolved around.
3. The lowest point of emotional disturbance that can't be ignored naturally.
4. Feeling completely exhausted and hopeless due to failed attempts to abolish it.
5. When coping isn't really coping because that pain continues to flourish every minute.
6.Having no one. Better yet, feeling alone to the point where lonliness is routine.
7. Not being able to determine whether one is in helpless pain or the usual numb.
8.Creating false notions to rid one's self of being in an "all time low," but only becoming lower.
9. Feeling unwanted, unimportant, unappreciated, and every other un- to any positive word.
10. Turning to narcotics or alcohol because every other option seems completely worthless.
11.An emptiness that can only be filled with pessimism and tears.
12. A state of being that one should never experience and should be avoided as much as possible.
Its incomprehensible to believe that your whole world can be turned upside down. Its even more incomprehensible to have your whole world turned upside down, then shook aggressively, then dropped to the floor, and finally stepped on by everyone that seemed important to you.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. You can even say being at an all time low is just a dramatic case of self-pity. But to be honest, I have never felt this feeling before. It wouldn't even be applicable to call it a pain. No, I feel no pain. It obviously hurts but when you've gone through the other levels before you hit the all time low, that familiar pain starts to become a subtle numb. And as sadistic as it sounds, the pain is actually more prefered. Why? Because a pain, if treated correctly with an extreme amount of optimism and hope, can be cured. A pain can be taken away. A numb, however, must be waited out. A numb will continue to be numb until its gone, but the scary part is there is no way to determine when that is.
Let this be evidence that I am not trying to trick everyone or myself. I am professing that I am at an all time low and I am dependent on narcotics to feel. To feel what you ask? To just feel. Because even the simplest thing as to being able to feel is seen as a priveledge when your at an all time low. I'm addressing this because it is obvious that I am not in denial nor addicted to the point that I am not aware I am dependent. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not proud of it. I'm actually ashamed at the fact that my self-esteem and confidence is that low too. Come to think of it, I don't even think I have a self-esteem. And I'm pretty sure that confidence is hallow optimism in disguise.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ly, former optimist, former happiness projector, a party-thrower-has-been, coordinator of the infamous and constantly criticized Benchfam, lover of JCR, past fighter for originality and self-opinions, and the passionate supporter of living a fulfilled, prosperous, and enjoyable life.
Please notice the past tense in the previous paragraph while I correctly introduce myself in present tense.
Allow me to introduce myself once more. I am Ly, a pessimist with no room for anything positive, creator of that negative vibe people walk away from, the one thats not fucked up on alcohol but on an illegal substance, aspiring destructor of the naive and immature Benchfam, abandoned by the adored JCR, exhausted from failed attempts for liberalism, and the constant disbeliever of love, success, and utter happiness.
To conclude this extensive introduction, if this looks like its going to be a long, pitiful, and pathetic narration of the life of an "all time low-er," then you're absolutely right. That is exactly what it is. Although it is said that writing is a form of therapy, this in fact will be the farthest thing from being therapeutic. Ironically, writing about being at an all time low only encourages the feeling to stay even longer. Depressing huh? Just a reminder, it's only the beginning. And at an all time low, quoted from a professional pessimist, "things are going to get alot worse before it can get better."
Brace yourself, its known to be contagious.
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