001. the beginning of the end.

Please define "the all time low":

1. A state of being that is neither bearable nor tolerable.
2. When one loses everything, in terms of everything that one's world revolved around.
3. The lowest point of emotional disturbance that can't be ignored naturally.
4. Feeling completely exhausted and hopeless due to failed attempts to abolish it.
5. When coping isn't really coping because that pain continues to flourish every minute.
6.Having no one. Better yet, feeling alone to the point where lonliness is routine.
7. Not being able to determine whether one is in helpless pain or the usual numb.
8.Creating false notions to rid one's self of being in an "all time low," but only becoming lower.
9. Feeling unwanted, unimportant, unappreciated, and every other un- to any positive word.
10. Turning to narcotics or alcohol because every other option seems completely worthless.
11.An emptiness that can only be filled with pessimism and tears.

12. A state of being that one should never experience and should be avoided as much as possible.


Its incomprehensible to believe that your whole world can be turned upside down. Its even more incomprehensible to have your whole world turned upside down, then shook aggressively, then dropped to the floor, and finally stepped on by everyone that seemed important to you.

Maybe I'm over-reacting. You can even say being at an all time low is just a dramatic case of self-pity. But to be honest, I have never felt this feeling before. It wouldn't even be applicable to call it a pain. No, I feel no pain. It obviously hurts but when you've gone through the other levels before you hit the all time low, that familiar pain starts to become a subtle numb. And as sadistic as it sounds, the pain is actually more prefered. Why? Because a pain, if treated correctly with an extreme amount of optimism and hope, can be cured. A pain can be taken away. A numb, however, must be waited out. A numb will continue to be numb until its gone, but the scary part is there is no way to determine when that is.

Let this be evidence that I am not trying to trick everyone or myself. I am professing that I am at an all time low and I am dependent on narcotics to feel. To feel what you ask? To just feel. Because even the simplest thing as to being able to feel is seen as a priveledge when your at an all time low. I'm addressing this because it is obvious that I am not in denial nor addicted to the point that I am not aware I am dependent. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not proud of it. I'm actually ashamed at the fact that my self-esteem and confidence is that low too. Come to think of it, I don't even think I have a self-esteem. And I'm pretty sure that confidence is hallow optimism in disguise.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ly, former optimist, former happiness projector, a party-thrower-has-been, coordinator of the infamous and constantly criticized Benchfam, lover of JCR, past fighter for originality and self-opinions, and the passionate supporter of living a fulfilled, prosperous, and enjoyable life.

Please notice the past tense in the previous paragraph while I correctly introduce myself in present tense.

Allow me to introduce myself once more. I am Ly, a pessimist with no room for anything positive, creator of that negative vibe people walk away from, the one thats not fucked up on alcohol but on an illegal substance, aspiring destructor of the naive and immature Benchfam, abandoned by the adored JCR, exhausted from failed attempts for liberalism, and the constant disbeliever of love, success, and utter happiness.

To conclude this extensive introduction, if this looks like its going to be a long, pitiful, and pathetic narration of the life of an "all time low-er," then you're absolutely right. That is exactly what it is. Although it is said that writing is a form of therapy, this in fact will be the farthest thing from being therapeutic. Ironically, writing about being at an all time low only encourages the feeling to stay even longer. Depressing huh? Just a reminder, it's only the beginning. And at an all time low, quoted from a professional pessimist, "things are going to get alot worse before it can get better."

Brace yourself, its known to be contagious.